Tard

Author's Note: This is probably going to be my most offensive blog ever, and probably the funniest as well. I am ashamed at some of the things I was able to write. I wrote all of this at intervals where I was very tired so my concience wasn't working.

Saturday was the regional Special Olympics Championchips at my high school. If you read my last blog, you would understand that I'm a coach and what happens on almost a daily basis dealing with Special Athletes. Well, I witnessed some things that can't really be unseen, and I've decided to write them down in hopes that they won't be stuck in my head forever. I took pictures, 'cause it's for my senior project and I have to, so I'll share some of those with you too!

Well, my day started off slow enough. I arrived at the games late, but that didn't matter, cause I had nothing to do... all day. I got there at 9:30 am. None of you have any idea how agonizingly slow these games go. I mean it's rediculous. I took a short video to document how bad it really is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQY_QGEkUNE

Now you see how agonizingly slow this thing can be. It's incredible. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that it was going to be like this. That race... to swim one length of the pool... took THREE FUCKING MINUTES! At the practices that I coach at, none of my special athletes swim that slow. All of them can swim the 25 (one length of the pool) in under 40 seconds. Even the slowest of them is under 40 seconds. I mean, I realize that they are retarded, but COME ON! If you look closely, you can see that the swimmer is wearing a life jacket... therefore stripping him of the title of swimmer, and replacing it with the tag of "floater." The way I see it, if they can't actually swim on their own, they are too retarded to be in the pool.

So, a few other things boggled my mind and altered my perception about the whole thing. I always thought that the swimming competition would requare.. you know... SWIMMING! Turns out, you don't even have to fucking swim to win a GOLD FUCKING MEDAL!

Behold! the heated competition of aquatic WALKING!

I've also solved the age old question of what do they do about handicapped parking at the Special Olympics. It's simple. You just park wherever you can! there's no rules either! Can't find an actual space close enough to make you feel special? Follow in this guys foot steps and park wherever you damn well please!

The sheer number of retards there just astounded me. I mean, it's simply incredible! I didn't know that it was really this wide spread! The meet wasn't only for swimming, there was track and field as well as a soccer tournament going on. There were 250+ retarded swimmers and a little over 1200 tards total. Looking out over the fields, it was pretty incredible the amound of tard in the air. It was almost tangible. I got a few pictures of the sheer number of tards in the pool area from a number of angles. Here they are in all their special glory!

As I said, I arrived there at 9:30 in the morning. I didn't get home until near 6:00 that afternoon. I had to swim in the last event of the meet. The Coach Athlete Relay. A 4 x 100 Medly Relay that pits tard and coach against other tards and coaches. Another coach on our team was supposed to swim the 100 fly portion of the race, but she had to get ready to go to "Prom" so I got stuck with the hardest part. I had to give up the easiest leg, the breast stroke, to another coach that should be considered an athlete. She's just.... retarded. I hate her. Anyway, I ended up having to swim the 100 meter fly in a relay. We would have had a fighting chance had the person replacing me actually known how do to a proper breast stroke, but no, she's sped. (SpEd = Special Education). We lost the race... horribly. Everyone had already left so it wasn't too embarrasing. I still get to attend the state meet even though we didn't win. A few of our teams tards won their events against no one else. So they qualified to compete at the state level and have to drag their coaches along with them.

After the meet, I got to help clean up. YAY! We had a whole army of tards, you think they could have trained a few of them to put chairs on the racks, but no. It was me, and 3 other lifeguards. We put approximately 300 chairs away in under 20 minutes, I say we should call Guiness Book of World Records. Not only for chairs, but for the sheer number of tards in an area at once. Unfortunately, nobody died, that would have been cool to see. Just the relief on a parents face when they see that their burden has been killed, the world is now a better place.

The Olympics didn't occupy my entire day. After the meet, I hung out with David and we went to Taco Bell to grab some grub. We saw some people from my schools prom all dressed up getting food there... Classy. I made fun of them under my breath and hoped for them to die. I didn't go to my senior prom because I had to save money to buy a Tool ticket... But that's another blog in progress. We actually hung out at Taco Bell for quite some time because the staff there is awesome. If no one is around, they will go out in the lobby and just chill with us. I actually kinda want to work there just because of the chill environment.

After Taco Bell, Dave and I decided it was time to go antique-ing. We had picked up a 5 pound bag at the store earlier in the day so that my mom could make some cookies, but we had leftovers. So, naturally, we dicided to throw it at statues and things around town. We did so, but that couldn't quell our new lust for making things white and old looking! NO! We called more friends and bought more flour! We spend a total of $9.00 on flour, that gave us 55lbs of flour to just throw at eachother (thank you winco). We went to R.A. Long and had our first flour war, ran out, and bought more. The second flour fight was in the Kelso High parking lot. Even to this day (a week later) the flour is still visible in the area that we fought in. I bet R.A LONG SUCKS is still in their parking lot. The second battle was immense and there were no unwounded. I got a pic of me and Carol after the fight.>>>


Well, there you have it. My most offensive blog yet and the reason why I missed my senior prom. I do have a little regret over not going, simply because it was the last one. But you know what, I still had a great night, even though most of the day was extremely RETARDED.