Tard

Author's Note: This is probably going to be my most offensive blog ever, and probably the funniest as well. I am ashamed at some of the things I was able to write. I wrote all of this at intervals where I was very tired so my concience wasn't working.

Saturday was the regional Special Olympics Championchips at my high school. If you read my last blog, you would understand that I'm a coach and what happens on almost a daily basis dealing with Special Athletes. Well, I witnessed some things that can't really be unseen, and I've decided to write them down in hopes that they won't be stuck in my head forever. I took pictures, 'cause it's for my senior project and I have to, so I'll share some of those with you too!

Well, my day started off slow enough. I arrived at the games late, but that didn't matter, cause I had nothing to do... all day. I got there at 9:30 am. None of you have any idea how agonizingly slow these games go. I mean it's rediculous. I took a short video to document how bad it really is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQY_QGEkUNE

Now you see how agonizingly slow this thing can be. It's incredible. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that it was going to be like this. That race... to swim one length of the pool... took THREE FUCKING MINUTES! At the practices that I coach at, none of my special athletes swim that slow. All of them can swim the 25 (one length of the pool) in under 40 seconds. Even the slowest of them is under 40 seconds. I mean, I realize that they are retarded, but COME ON! If you look closely, you can see that the swimmer is wearing a life jacket... therefore stripping him of the title of swimmer, and replacing it with the tag of "floater." The way I see it, if they can't actually swim on their own, they are too retarded to be in the pool.

So, a few other things boggled my mind and altered my perception about the whole thing. I always thought that the swimming competition would requare.. you know... SWIMMING! Turns out, you don't even have to fucking swim to win a GOLD FUCKING MEDAL!

Behold! the heated competition of aquatic WALKING!

I've also solved the age old question of what do they do about handicapped parking at the Special Olympics. It's simple. You just park wherever you can! there's no rules either! Can't find an actual space close enough to make you feel special? Follow in this guys foot steps and park wherever you damn well please!

The sheer number of retards there just astounded me. I mean, it's simply incredible! I didn't know that it was really this wide spread! The meet wasn't only for swimming, there was track and field as well as a soccer tournament going on. There were 250+ retarded swimmers and a little over 1200 tards total. Looking out over the fields, it was pretty incredible the amound of tard in the air. It was almost tangible. I got a few pictures of the sheer number of tards in the pool area from a number of angles. Here they are in all their special glory!

As I said, I arrived there at 9:30 in the morning. I didn't get home until near 6:00 that afternoon. I had to swim in the last event of the meet. The Coach Athlete Relay. A 4 x 100 Medly Relay that pits tard and coach against other tards and coaches. Another coach on our team was supposed to swim the 100 fly portion of the race, but she had to get ready to go to "Prom" so I got stuck with the hardest part. I had to give up the easiest leg, the breast stroke, to another coach that should be considered an athlete. She's just.... retarded. I hate her. Anyway, I ended up having to swim the 100 meter fly in a relay. We would have had a fighting chance had the person replacing me actually known how do to a proper breast stroke, but no, she's sped. (SpEd = Special Education). We lost the race... horribly. Everyone had already left so it wasn't too embarrasing. I still get to attend the state meet even though we didn't win. A few of our teams tards won their events against no one else. So they qualified to compete at the state level and have to drag their coaches along with them.

After the meet, I got to help clean up. YAY! We had a whole army of tards, you think they could have trained a few of them to put chairs on the racks, but no. It was me, and 3 other lifeguards. We put approximately 300 chairs away in under 20 minutes, I say we should call Guiness Book of World Records. Not only for chairs, but for the sheer number of tards in an area at once. Unfortunately, nobody died, that would have been cool to see. Just the relief on a parents face when they see that their burden has been killed, the world is now a better place.

The Olympics didn't occupy my entire day. After the meet, I hung out with David and we went to Taco Bell to grab some grub. We saw some people from my schools prom all dressed up getting food there... Classy. I made fun of them under my breath and hoped for them to die. I didn't go to my senior prom because I had to save money to buy a Tool ticket... But that's another blog in progress. We actually hung out at Taco Bell for quite some time because the staff there is awesome. If no one is around, they will go out in the lobby and just chill with us. I actually kinda want to work there just because of the chill environment.

After Taco Bell, Dave and I decided it was time to go antique-ing. We had picked up a 5 pound bag at the store earlier in the day so that my mom could make some cookies, but we had leftovers. So, naturally, we dicided to throw it at statues and things around town. We did so, but that couldn't quell our new lust for making things white and old looking! NO! We called more friends and bought more flour! We spend a total of $9.00 on flour, that gave us 55lbs of flour to just throw at eachother (thank you winco). We went to R.A. Long and had our first flour war, ran out, and bought more. The second flour fight was in the Kelso High parking lot. Even to this day (a week later) the flour is still visible in the area that we fought in. I bet R.A LONG SUCKS is still in their parking lot. The second battle was immense and there were no unwounded. I got a pic of me and Carol after the fight.>>>


Well, there you have it. My most offensive blog yet and the reason why I missed my senior prom. I do have a little regret over not going, simply because it was the last one. But you know what, I still had a great night, even though most of the day was extremely RETARDED.

Special Olympics. I Am A Coach, Not A Competitor.

Well, as some of you may know, I am a coach/assistant for a Special Olympics swim team this year. I catch some flak from friends when I say, "Hey guys, I have to go to Special Olympics practice now." I can deal with that, but Special Olympics hasn't turned out to be what I expected at all.

When I first heard about it I thought it would be good for my senior project so I signed up. I really didn't think it would be much fun. I just thought I would stand on the pool deck and tell some special education students what to do, to keep going and whatnot. I was wrong, really wrong. I found out the first day of practice that I wouldn't be just standing on the deck telling them what to do, I was going to swim every last yard they did with them. I haven't swam competitavely in a few years so I am admitantly out of shape. I also thought that I would just be in there with high school special students. Again I was wrong. The ages ranged from about 15 years old all the way up to 32. Well, as luck would have it, the best swimmer on the team, James, chose me to be his coach and to swim every yard he did. James is also the oldest person on the team, at 32.

Well, on a normal swim team, the athletes try to get out of as much work as possible. When I swam, we went as far as getting out of the water, walking over to the workout board and physically changing the amount of laps we had to swim. Either that, or we would just lie to the coach and tell her that we had already finished that step of the workout. This appearantly was not so with my tard. I use the word "tard" lightly because James uses the term to describe himself along with the rest of his teamates. He knows that he's mentally retarded, and almost takes a sense of pride in it. Anyway, James likes... no.. LOVES to challenge himself. One day, we had a pretty easy workout of about 1200 yards and we finished it in under 45 minutes. He decided that we simply hadn't swam for nearly long enough, so he asked the head coach, Mary, if we could do more. Mary happily obliged and told us to simply start over. I tried to get out of it, by telling him that he could go on without me... but no... James won't fall for something so simple. I ended up starting over with him and we did an extra 600 yards. That makes it just over the one mile mark.

Over the last couple weeks, James and I have become pretty good friends, not to the point that we're hanging out after practice or anything, but our conversations in the pool are pretty relaxed and we can talk about life in general now. I think that James believes that we are closer than we reall are. As of late, he's tried to pull me under water quite a few times which are always unsuccessful. I'm really not one to like boasting, but I'm a really, really strong swimmer. I've swam up rivers that have tipped every last one of my friends that were tubing.

Last thursday he tried really hard to get me under. Over and over, every time we passed one another, he would try to grab a leg or arm and pull my down. I'm a lifeguard, I've been trained on how to get out of people's grasps when under water. If I have to rescue someone and they panic, that person will grab onto the nearest floating thing they see... most likely my head. There are a few different ways to get out of a death hold like that. 1: Just dive under, if a person is holding onto something and it goes under, they don't want to go under with it. 2: Pressure point, there is a pressure point just inside a persons elbows that if pressed on, will force them to open their arms. 3: Twist out, simply twist around to loosen their grip and swim away. Since he was trying to pull me under, diving down would just help his cause. It is the special olympics, so I can't really use pressure points and harm him in anyway even though he is 32 and twice my size. I had to twist out of his grip. I'm not sure how many of you know this, but tards are exceptionally strong. A good friend of mine had an autistic brother and I watched that 12 year old punch 3 holes in his bedroom wall. James had a pretty good grip but I somehow managed to get away without going under water. He did this so many times that I just started to swim underneath the lane lines to go around him. No way in hell could he catch up to me in the water. Very few people that I know can, special or not. I can swim 25 yards in 11 seconds. I would either swim around him by a few lanes or, if we were in the deap end, I would swim to the bottom and just go under him. It was annoying but actually made the practice somewhat interesting.

This Saturday is the Regional swim meet. I will be competing on a partner relay. 2 special athletes and 2 coaches swim together. It should prove to be interesting in the least.

Ultimate Frisbee and My Life Plan

Sunday I played Ultimate Frisbee for 3 hours. We had the entire football stadium to play on and we did, there were SO MANY PEOPLE! I think the final count was 28. Well, I've played Ultimate Frisbee before, but never on this level. It was so organized and the gameplay was so fast and fun! I felt really sore the day after but I think it's totally worth it. Next weekend there is supposed to be a rather large game of paintball, so I should have a blast with that.

I've been a lot more active recently. I had been going through a stage that I was home constantly. If I wasn't at school or work, I was at home playing video games. My social life is getting a lot better. I've been hanging out with Amber a lot more, which is a lot of fun, she's great. I can feel that I'm getting a lot more energy and I can't wait to graduate and for life to begin for me. All of my friends seem to be going off to college or staying home to save money for college and just delaying the real start to life. I feel like I'm running toward it full speed. I'm getting everything out of the way these last couple months of school and just living life to the fullest. As soon as I graduate, I'm out of this town forever. I'm moving to Alaska for the summer, then I'm taking my last care free step in life and visiting Europe.

Once I get back, I will join the United States Marine Corps. A few people have asked me why and criticized my decision, but I know it is what I should do, it's the jump start to my life. All I have to do is Graduate and my life is paved for me. The only thing I can think of that would stop me is when I get to Europe. I decided that if I love it there enough, I'm not coming back at all. I will try and find opportunity in Europe and if it arises, I will take it. I really do want to become a Marine, but Europe and other cultures has fascinated my all my life. I really want to travel the world. I'm not meant to live life in a small town such as Kelso, I have to get out of here. My mom expects me to come back to Kelso after summer and the Europe trip, but that's just not going to happen. I love the people of this town, but it's not big enough. I know just about everyone I see. I want to meet new people.

On my last blog I wrote about the plan to have Galen come to Washington so we could go watch Tool together. Well, that didn't pan out. I had planned on getting tickets Saturday morning when they went on sale. My brother told me that they could sell out in under an hour, so I thought I would be alright showing up to Ticket Master a few minutes late. I got there five after 10 and much to my dismay, was told that they sold out in about 3o seconds. My brother bid on and won two tickets off e-bay, so there's still a chance I could see the show, but at a really, really steep price. The price for a ticket at Ticketmaster = $66. The price for two tickets via e-bay = $700. WAY TOO MUCH TO SEE ANYONE! I don't care if Gandhi came back to life and was having seminars, no person should have to pay $700 for two tickets. I mean good lord! how can someone even have the heart to sell them for that much? c'mon! that's a $580 profit! It pisses me off to no extent, Tool is my favorite band, I would pay $120 to see them, but $350 is way too much. Something has to be done about this. People had auctions up on e-bay for seats before they even went on sale. How is it possible to get the exact seats to sell before the tickets even go on sale? There is corruption in the ticketing business and whoever is responsible should be publicly hung and disemboweled.

My Brother In-Law Called Me Today

My Brother In-Law called me today and told me that Tool tickets went on sale this saturday and that their first show for the tour is in fact in Seattle Washington on May 2nd, the same day that their album comes out. KICK ASS! I'm going to see Tool! I don't care how much it costs. I will pay upwards of $100 to see this band play. Good thing I only have to pay $66.66. Well, as soon as I got home, I called my friend Galen in Canada and told him. He told me that he wanted to go to it, and I planted the idea that he should fly here to see it. Short pause, and he said ok. He's flying to Washington State from Ontario Canada to see a Tool concert. I had to ask him how that conversation went and here's what he told me:

Galen says:
I need to go to seattle at the beginning of next month
Galen says:
"why?"
Galen says:
uh, theres a tool concert
Galen says:
"seattle as in washington state?"
Galen says:
yea
Galen says:
"are you going with whats his name... casey?"
Galen says:
yea
Galen says:
yada yada
Galen says:
"well this'll be a good chance to get to know him before you spend a month with him in a foreign continent"

I think that is the greatest conversation of all time. So truthful but to the point. Anyway, this means that I'm going to be skipping a few days of school to hang out with a Canadian and to see the greatest band that ever walked the face of this planet. I'm really really excited for this. You have no idea how much I love this band and now that a good friend of mine from afar is going to join me... All the better.

Another New Sport Is Invented!

Since I decided against writing my sunday blog, since I really can't remember much of it and not that much actually was very exciting. I'll tell you one thing though, David invented a new sport on Saturday which we played on Sunday. Urban Golfing. It's pretty simple and the name pretty much tells all. Set up a put put set somewhere in a parking lot and play. We played only one game from about 15 yards away, interesting, but I wasn't in the mood to play.

Anywho, today I invented a new sport... kinda. I got in a bit of trouble for it, but it was fun. I call it Longboard Bowling. It was just after school, I took my backpack out to my car and picked up my longboard. I rode it back to the school and walked inside. I went to the cafeteria where a bunch of my friends were chatting it up. I was there not even 3o seconds when Hillary asked to ride my longboard. I looked past her and told her no... like I normally do... and saw this gem: My mind INSTANTLY went to destructo mode. I HAD to knock it over. How you may ask? Just so happens I still had my longboard in my hand. I set it down, dropped my knee on it and pushed... really hard. I zoomed along and could feel the air rushing though my hair. It was one of my most glorious longboard rides of all time. I had an audience, I had a goal, and I had something on the line. I went headlong into the garbage cans. Once I hit, it took a second for them to teeter and fall over... on top of me. I was sitting in the middle of the demolished battlefield the victor, when suddenly an unforseen adversary approached. Twas the Dreaded Mr. Frank. He hit me with something that is impossible to come back from. The move took 75% damage from my hp. I was already weakened from the baddle with the Garbage Can Pyramid From Hell about 35%. I was done for. The move was the incredible "I'll Take That." He motioned toward my longboard and I was forced to surrender. He finished me by saying, "You can get this back from Mrs. Spear later" and walked off with my only weapon. He left me weak and unarmed in the middle of the devastated battle land. After I took my regeneration potion and regained my health to 95%. The only 5% that didn't heal was my left knee:

Battered and bleeding, I cleaned the battlefield. I then approached my adversary. He had fled in false victory, for I had RETURNED to continue the fight. I threw the first blow, "Can you give my longboard to Mrs. Spear now so I can get it back from her?" Mr. Frank was stunned but not yet defeated. He countered with, "Why do you have to do stuff like that and make me act like a teacher?" To which I replied, "Sorry for making you do your job." His turn... "I think I'll take this up to Seattle with me." It was a formidable attack, but he didn't know that I had a secret move up my sleeve, I knew where the longboard was sold and availible, "You can buy one just like it up there! They only cost $300!" I saw the blow hit him. Such amazing force behind it. Even I didn't know I had that kind of power. He handed me my longboard in defeat. His final words were, "Don't do it again." I strutted away in triumph and and held my prize high. Not a single panty was dry... not even mine.

Top 5 Gaming Moments

I found this on a friends blog. Since most people who read my blog I actually know in real life and aren't gamers... This will probably be skipped over.

My Top 5 Gaming Moments.

5. Playing Midtown Madness 3 with Spyre, my first X-Box Live! friend. I played with him nearly every night. This man is so gut wrenchingly funny that he's still on my friends list today. I wish I hadn't traded that game in. I miss it. Why 360? WHY?!

4. Sacrificing myself for the good of the team. Team elimintation on Headlong playing Halo 2. It was toward the beginning, I did a rush in our ghost toward the other teams base immediately after the beginning. The other team was in the warthog coming toward our base when I got there. I was almost killed with the gauss cannon before jumping out and talking out the driver with my BR. I jumped in the seat and drove the warthog over the cliff into the water winning the round for my team.

3. Beating Contra on the NES for the first time. I must have been 7 years old or less. I still have the game, but my NES crapped out a few years ago.

2. Capture the flag on Headlong playing Halo 2. My team had the flag in the tank and he was making a run for it. The opposing teams Banshee flew in and was attacking him from behind. I drove our Warthog off a cliff, ramming into the banshee and bringing it to the ground. Another teamate of mine then comandeered it, did a back flip, and finished off the player that was in the banshee. Score One For The Good Guys!

1. Playing my first game for the NES. Bubble Bobble. I was 4 years old. I sat for hours upon hours taking turns with my mom and brother. Family time at it's greatest. Two player, but it was worth the wait. My brother and my mom were much greater than I was, so I did end up waiting a lot more than I actually played. I still have this game too somewhere, but I need a new NES.

Best Spring Break Ever. Part Three of About Ninety Eight Hundred

Saturday.

Saturday started off with a bang... I had to work. It started at 11 am and continued through 5pm. I was a tad sleepy from the hot tub party the night before, but nothing I couldn't just push through. I believe it was wednesday that one of my bosses reported her keys stolen. By the time I worked friday, she was all pissed off and steamed as a fart and was threatening to call the cops. The concensus among the lower employees is that she simply misplaced them... but no, this boss HAD to get them back, even if it meant bringing in the police. Thats right, she called the cops to help her find a set of lost keys.

Well, here comes saturday. I'm back in lazertag running a game, talking to the parents outside and watching the game through the monitors when I see the Po Po walking around the Habitrail. I know what he's here for and just want to get the damn thing over with. He stopped and started questioning me right there... in front of the parents of the children in lazertag that I was responsible for. Picture this, you leave your kid with a babysitter at their house, and as you say your goodbyes, a police car pulls up, and the babysitter calmly looks up and says, "I know what this is about, just a moment officer." I don't know about you, but I probably would never let that babysitter next to my kids ever again.

Well, Officer Friendly comes up to me and started to interrogate me right in front of parents. I stop him and tell him to follow me into the lazertag lobby. Amber came back and took over referee-ing (sp?). He starts by saying the usual, "Did you see the keys? Did you see who took the keys? Do you know who took the keys?" and all that jazz. I tell him no and no and no, tell him my story of what I knew, which is simply, "I don't know who took the keys, I was back here the whole time, I just think they are lost. The first time I heard about the keys being lost was the next day when I was in the Hilander to meet some friends." He started saying some mindless dribble, telling me that he didn't think I took them or even saw them. Blah Blah Blah. Then he started to get a little nasty. He started getting downright rude actually. Asking me who I would point the finger. Who I thought might have took them. I gave that bastard nothing! They'll never get me alive! He even pulled out a myspace page, flashed a picture in front of me and tried to tell me that it was mine. I only caught a glimps but I could tell it wasn't my picture.

I had drank a red bull about 20 min and I could feel it starting to kick in. I was kinda shaking and looked at my hands. He piped up with this little gem, "I realize that talking to the police can make some people nervous, but lying also makes your hands shake." That pissed me off. I took this opportunity to inform him of something that obviously his records didn't show. I am part of a family that is somewhat powerful in my community. I started with, "I just drank an energy drink, thats why I'm shaking. I don't get nervous talking to police. I talk to them quite often. I have a few in my family. Perhaps you know some of them. I have two uncles in law enforcement. One of them is Chief of Police Nelson... your boss. The other is Captain Nelson of the Sheriffs Dept. And maybe you've heard of my grandfather? Former Sheriff Nelson." He stopped talking for a good 30 seconds. I also took out a piece of paper and wrote down his name and badge number. I thought Uncle Chief Nelson should recieve a phone call later that night.

The interview went pretty smoothly after that but I was still pissed. I didn't have a problem with my boss before that and had actually been having a pretty good relationship with her for the past few weeks. The this whole little thing and all that came crumbling down. The rest of my day was spent in a pretty bad mood and simply not listening to my boss anymore. I had a quick meeting of the owner of the building about the whole incident and what another coworker and I were talking about after it. I told him and somewhere in the middle of it he interrupted me and said, "You are a smart man." ... what do you say to that? It was just so unexpected... The whole rest of work was pretty uneventful comparably, so it wasn't all that bad.

After I got off work, Pat sent Amber and I on a mission to buy his zippo from the mall. We walked in and saw Scott and Billy, current and former employees of the Hilander. We talked to them for 20 minutes or so before we headed toward Lighthouse Gifts, where the zippo was at. We almost made it when Amber was finally distracted by Bed Bath And Beyond. I can't say that I'm not proud of her for making it that far before stopping at a store to look. We were a mere two stores away! We left the store after I had gotten a headach, like I always do when I even walk past that place, let alone go in, and made it to Lighthouse Gifts, picked up the lighter and started to head towards Sam Goody. It's going out of business, so everything is on sale for at least 25% off. I found a Tool dvd and had to put Team America: World Police back, didn't have enough money. Amber bought a few things and talked to the clerks for a while. I just stood. All was said and done so hopped in my car and headed up to my house for a while. We related to my parents what happened with the cop. My whole family is really really loyal to the police force. So when Amber said that she flipped the cop off, all of them foze. I mean all movement in the room ceased. I don't think she noticed and I didn't tell her. She'll find out by reading this. After she said she flipped him off was when it occurred to me to say, "it was when she was scratching her eye." Which is what actually happened. She was about to be hated by my entire family and would never know why. We went up to my house and tried to find out how to set my myspace profile to private so the owners of the Hilander couldn't look at it without adding me to their friends list. Didn't figure it out and just kinda talked untill 7 ish. Chris called me and we drove to his house, which isn't far away at all. spent some time down in his shed and lit things on fire. He had some RC car fuel that was 50% nitro, that burned real good. All of us went up to the house and talked to his parents for a while before deciding that we were going to head back down to the Hilander.

We got there and were just talking when Pat drove up with Austin and a few others. He was headed out to Seth's house to play some music. Everybody piled into our 3 cars and headed out. We got there and I saw something that I didn't expect whatsoever. It was a surprise kegger. Everybody was surprised. There were a bunch of older people around, they were all in their 40's or so. Since Seth's mom is the coolest mom ever, she let everyone drink, besides the 4 that were the DD's. I was one of them, so I didn't drink at all. Every last one of the DD's had to walk up in front of all the adults so they could make sure they knew who was who. So that if they saw us drinking they wouldn't let us drive. I didn't drink, but I did meet Herbert again. I met him a lot, probably at least twice more than anyone else. Chris is a good friend. About this time, Amber announced that she, once again, needed to go home. Chris drove her car to the hilander and I rode along. I sat in the Hilander parking lot for a good 10 minutes just mentally preparing myself for the drive back to the surprise kegger. I made it back, thank god. I just had trouble keeping up to the speed limit. Once back at the surprise kegger, I saw an old friend of mine, Steven. I've known him since god knows when. We live on the same street about 3 houses apart. I talked to him and watched the live music we went there for origionally. He put a hat on me, don't know why. He asked if I could give him a ride home, which I did. All the way to Lexington. Not just to the main housing development out there, but past it. It was amazing. After that, I decided I should just go home from there. I went home and searched for a good 20 minutes for the Tool dvd that I bought earlier. I actually passed it about 8 times just walking back and forth on my stairs. I never found it till the following morning. Thoroughly depressed about not getting to watch Tool, I just passed out. It was pretty grand.

End of Saturday

Best Spring Break Ever. Part Two of About Six Hundred Thousand

Friday.

So, after I woke up at 4pm from my coma induced by coming home at 8 am I had to go to work. It was a really good night. I actually enjoyed working that night. I was working Rocket Ride/Carousel (RRC) the whole night. I ended up spending most of my night just chatting it up with friends who were back in lazertag and occasionally cleaning up tables and such. At some point in the day, Amber and David went on a quest to find out where my longboard was and to retrieve it. They succeeded, it was at Cody's house. Working such a slow shift is fun... but it sucks when you want to get off and go do something useful with my life. This night, I had been planning on having a Hilander Hot Tub gathering. Amber suggested it when I told her that I had a hot tub. My thoughts, "hmm... friends and girl in bikini? I'm in!" So, I told my mum what was going to happen in a way that sounded like I was asking and got the yes. I got off work at aboot 11:20pm and headed to the parking lot where everyone was waiting for me since about 9 pm. We sat talking for a while when some little shit heads on bikes started to be little shit heads. So David shot the fat one in the ass with his arosoft gun. We laughed and laughed and the little fat kid tried to make fun of us. But then Austin pointed out the fact that they were 12 years old, out on bikes, it was 11:30, and therefore their parents must not care for them. This pretty much shut them up since you can't really come back from someone telling you that you have bad parents, and the fact that he was able to back it up with circumstantial evidence made it all the sweeter. I told everyone that we should head to my house or not have the hot tub party. We start loading up the cars when one of the shit heads pipes up and asks if he can come. I told him yes, just to follow me in my car. He didn't keep up.

We arrived at my house at about 11:45 and I started preparing. I gave the two other guys that were actually getting in some shorts and we went out back to the hot tub. We got in and I took tally of who was actually present. In the hot tub was Cody, Pat, Amber and I. Outside was Dane, David, and Austin. We talked about life, work, and other things for a good while before Austin announced that he needed to go home. Dane offered to drive him home using pat's car, which was extremely surprising. We sat and kept on talking before Amber announced that she needed to go home as well. By this time it was 1:00 am. After she was up and out, we decided that it was 3 guys in a hot tub so we got out as well. David left about this time. I put the cover back on and went in to get dressed. I thought I smelled fruitsnacks when I went inside but it was only the guys eating my mom's Easter skittles. They went up to raid my kitchen while I got dressed. Cody then went home so it was just Pat, Dane and I. I told pat that I wanted to get a quick meeting with Herbert before bed and he readily obliged. After that, I went back home and Pat went along his merry way. I went in to discover that the leftover pizza was M.I.A., so I was a little angry but quickly drowned my anger with other food. (I later found the pizza monday, it was in a different fridge in the garage because lack of room in the kitchen fridge).

Dane spent the night at my house and helped me clean my paintball markers. I spent almost 3 hours just cleaning them. I was up untill 4:30 am just cleaning them. Paying attention to the smallest details. All because Amber said that she was invited to a paintball match the next day.

End of Friday.

Best Spring Break Ever. Part One of At Least a Billion

I didn't go to Cancun. I didn't go out of state. I didn't even leave my town. But I still had the best spring break ever. From saturday to wednesday, nothing of note really happened (Except what I had already written in Adrenaline Flow From The Po Po). I was bored and thinking to myself that this was the worst spring break ever. Little did I know that over the course of 4 days that it would become the BEST SPRING BREAK EVER! It is now monday, the following week and I can't remember all of what happened. I just remember that my entire spring break was filled with a single thing. This single thing happened again and again. I love this single thing because it keeps life interesting. This single thing is Random. I planned only one thing this week, and it's where I shall start my story.

Thursday.

I planned a paintball game. I told everybody I knew at school. I sent out text messages. It was supposed to be an awesome. Everybody was coming. It didn't turn out that way. Only 5 people showed up. but you know what.. it was still awesome. I still had a grade A experience. I told people that we were meeting in the Kelso High parking lot at 11 am. I wanted to get an early start because some people had to work later in the day. We played some 3 on 2 and some 1 on 1 games before people had to start heading out. The last game I played.. I got LIT UP. Peter and I were the two veteran players on the course. We both eliminated eachothers teammates withing the first 15 seconds of the match and were going after one another. We sprinted toward eachother and got to opposite sides of the bunker at the same time. He went one way and fired toward the other full blast. I was stupid and went out that side and caught about 8 paintballs on my left side. The worst hit was on my left hand. Right between my pinkey and ring finger knuckles. That hurt and I wish that I was wearing gloves. I bought 2 cases of water for the people that I thought would show up. One of the cases was barely even used and the other not at all. I have both in my room if you're hot and thirsty. That ended my paintball experience that day. I was actually supposed to play later with Amber, but everyone else skipped out and it wouldn't be quite fair for us to play one on one games.

Well, after I played, I went to my friend Michaels house and hung out there for a few hours and just talked to him about life in general. We headed to my house and unloaded my painball gear. He wanted to see Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter played on my 360. Right about that time, Amber called. She had just gotten off work and was bored. I told Mike that I would catch up with him later since he wasn't as hot as Amber, he agreed and bid me good day. I headed to the Hilander (Amber's, Pat's, Cody's and I place of employment). I found her in Lazertag and talked to our other friends that worked there for a while. She told me that she needed to get some pictures developed and we headed out to Wal-Mart. On the way there my friend David Dolan called (see: Just Another Tuesday... But Not Really). Amber picked up the phone and talked to him a good while before he figured out that it was her (They played 2o questions, and he got it in 2) We told him what was up and what we were doing. She somehow convinced him to drive to Wal-Mart, which is a good 20 minute drive from where we live. Such is the effect of a woman on a man. We dropped off the pictures and started wondering what to do. I remembered that any store with a home and garden section had lawn chairs out on display so we went searching. We almsot got there when we were distracted by something shiny or like it. I found a stack of those fold out chairs and plopped down right next to a check out counter with a plethora of knives in the display case. The clerk either didn't care or just... well it's wall mart.. so the clerk didn't care. David and Amber became bored after a while so we continued our search for the Home and Garden section. Eureka! we were about 30 feet from it... Each of us searched for a chair that suited us. David and I sat right next to one another on a swinging chair meant for at least 6 other people. And we held hands... just to make other people feel uncomfortable. It was gold. Amber, of course, sat a good distance from us on another bed/chair. After a while of homoness David and I parted ways (went to different chairs) and Amber just sat there. Amber called David on her cell phone... and somehow, mine as well. So we had a conference call... All within 7 feet of one another. And we put it on speaker phone. There was a bit of feedback but it was still entertaining. About 40 minutes later, we started on our merry way back to the photo section. We came upon some of those clown things you punch over and they stand back up, except these ones were super heroes. So it made sense that they stood back up. The old ones.. they were just frustrating, damn clown just wouldn't stay dead... till I took a knife to his eye. Anyway, we made our way back to the photo section and picked up Amber's pictures. We then had to decide what to do...

We went through a list of ideas when we chose to go back to the Hilander. We hung out there for a good while and invented a new sport... Land Boarding. We tied a rope off to David's luggage rack on top of his blazer, put a piece of plastic at mid length for a handle... add longboard, mix thouroughly and bake at 30 mph in parking lot. It's really a great sport and I see NOTHING that could go wrong. Since the Hilander is a somewhat puiblic parkinglot... headed to Kelso's parking lot. We did that for a while, and decided that someone was going to die soon if we didn't stop. We talked to some other longboarders that showed up and just chilled. Pat and Cody got off work and they came over to the parking lot. As did Chris Abram. Dane showed up as well. David took Amber back to her car so she could go back to Kalama. Almost simultaniously with them leaving, Pat brought out Herbert The Destroyer and we all met him. Amber drove back over and talked to everyone. All of us were having a merry time standing around and talking when all of a sudden Cody started to pass out. Dane went up to hug him but Cody didn't move and his eyes were frozen. His legs then just collapsed. They folded like rag doll physics in a video game. I went over and held him somewhat upright. I got his attention and he stood up, told us he was ok and then proceeded to pass out again. This time I held him up against the car and just waited. We layed him down on the ground after a minute or so. Almost immediately when he was on the ground, he sat back up and stood up. He told us he was ok again and then started relating to us what he saw while he was out. That was fun! Scared me and killed the "mood."

We headed up to Pat's house and we all sat in his garage for a while and just talked about life and things. I made out with a girl and fell asleep untill about 6 am. Thats when Pat came back out and woke us up. I went home, saw that my mom was already awake and getting ready for work, so I pulled back out of my driveway and drove around. I parked at behind the Jehova's Witness church and kinda passed out for a while. I went home at 8 am and fell back asleep... untill 4 pm. an Hour before I had to work.

Adrenaline Flow From The Po Po

FLASH BACK! 4 days-ish. I'm talking to a friend and my boss and I jokingly say that she should hire him, she asks why, I give bullshit answer, she tells him to put in a application.

FLASH FORWARD! tonight. I'm doing some cleanup when my manager comes to me and asks for my friends name and phone number. I give it to them. Later on, my boss asks if he's coming back tonight (he was there earlier in the day) I ask why, and she says for an interview and tells me to call him. I call him and he informs me that he is, and I quote, "High off my gord." I tell him that he has an interview for a job opening at the Hilander right now and that he should be there to make a statement of how availible he is. Mind you, this is about 10:30 at night. I honestly just talked him into coming in cause I wanted to see if it was possible to make it through an interview if he was high. To make a long story short... HE GOT THE JOB... Motherfucker... he got the job while stoned out of his mind. My boss, who has picked a stoned kid out from across the room hired a man that was ripped throughout the interview. So, after the interview, he went outside to talk to the rest of my friends who were waiting there and I finished my cleanup.

After I got off, I went outside and started to talk to everyone. Pat (the one who just got hired) was driving around the parking lot. He stopped to talk to me and just kept mumbling, "it doesn't make sense... I should NOT have gotten the job..." Which in all entirety is true. I'm really excited that he got the job. Anywho, since he was still stoned, he wanted to get out of there before my boss saw him again. We went over to the high school and just hung out and longboarded (my longboard is seen at right). A hot girl was shivering next to me, and like the gentleman that I am, I gave her my jacket, my favorite jacket, the jacket my older brother (reluctantly) gave to me for my birthday, the jacket seen at right. That jacket is the coolest jacket of all time. It's 100% polyester and is actually from the 70's. Well, I gave her my jacket and started to ride my longboard a little. Next thing I know, she's gone.. and so is my favorite jacket. BITCH. If I ever see her again, I'm going to forcer her to give it back just before I slit her throat. Thats when I'm going to say things started to go a tad downhill.

Well, the rest of the guys decided that they wanted to smoke some more pot. I decided against it cause I have a paintball match tomorrow (today) and am going to need a clear head. So they sat in a car and smoked, then decided that they wanted to drive and smoke. After they left, another friend and I just sat in his parents mini-van and listened to some music. My co-worker Amber called me and told me about her ordeal that was just unfolding. Something about her coming up on a car that had just gotten into a wreck/rolled. She helped the person out of the car and so on. Cops showed up where she was. Not 5 minutes after they did leave, we saw a high speed chase. 4 cop cars behind one white car going faster than I have ever driven down that road, which I drive nearly every day... heading in the direction of our friends. We called them to find out that the car had crashed in the parking lot that they were smoking in, therefore, there were a lot of cops in the same parkinglot. They ALL bailed. Just up and ditched the car, climbed an embankment and started to walk down another road. We met them there, took the ones that had other cars back to them at the high school and devised a plan to get Pat back to his car. We went to the road we picked them up on and dropped him off. He went down the embankment to his car, got in, started, and started driving. At the same time, we went around so that we could follow him.. Also at the same time, the cop in the parking lot started to pull out of the parking lot... ALSO at the same time... another cop was coming down the hill... oh fuck. Well, thankfully, Pat kept his cool and just drove out of there slowly and went up the hill away from the cops. We all made it out alive and in no trouble whatsoever. But it definately made my adrenaline pump a little. Honestly, I have to say it was a great night.

Another Friend got hired at my work
I got to go longboarding
I witnessed a high speed chase
a not so good had a jacket stolen
I watched my stoned friends freak the fuck out
and I get to paintball tomorrow!

Overall: AWESOME!

PAINTBALL TOMORROW!

You and ALL your friends are invited!

There's going to be a big game of paintball tomorrow at Kelso Nazarene's speedball course. We will be meeting at 11:00 am in the Kelso High parking lot. Come and shoot some folk, or just come and watch. If you miss us at kelso.

To get to the field:

Go down Allen St. and take a left onto Corduroy.

Follow Corduroy all the way and take a right at the end.

Take the first driveway on the right and follow the path in the field out behind the house. Once you see the brightly colored bunkers... Congratulations! You're There!

Bring your game! cause' I'm gonna hand your ass to you.